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Lady Drace
28 February 2011 @ 05:44 pm
Wow, this last week was a killer. Thank god it's over.

I was sick for most of it and when I wasn't coughing I was depressed. I'm still coughing, but at least things are looking a little brighter now.

I watched all I could find of Fringe in a frenzy (which is great btw. Hai thar, new obsession...) and I've now decided to give Supernatural another try. I like it much better than I did last time and since I'm told it gets better over the seasons I'm sticking with it for now. It's cheesy in the same kind of way Merlin is and I think if I let the characters grow on me a bit it will become very good. (In fact, the episode I'm watching right now gives me the giggles. 1x08: Bugs. People keep assuming Sam and Dean are a couple. Surprise appearance by the werewolf guy from Sanctuary. Great stuff.)

In other news, I just realised that it's been 6 months since B moved out. Where the hell did the time go?? Well, I suppose since I'm dealing with things and not lying in a pile of misery around the clock, it must be a sign that I'm doing okay on my own. I'm certainly not pining for B and I'm full of plans for the future. Very positive signs I think

For this week I think I'll stick to something simple and rec some fics and maybe some art. A pairing a day. Starting with... yeah, you guessed it: Garak/Bashir. They're not my OTP for nothing. :o)
 
 
Current Mood: sicksick
 
 
 
Lady Drace
07 October 2010 @ 08:22 am
And now, the news:

The same day we got the final divorce papers, B got a message from Floozie, saying she broke up with him. Not 12 hours later, she updated her Facebook page with a new relationship. B isn't too upset about the breakup. He saw it coming. He is a bit bothered by the instant new boyfriend, but still calm about it all. So no hearts broken.

My Bert The Farting Hippo will be arriving today! He would have arrived yesterday, but the delivery dude held him hostage! He wouldn't give him to me, unless I paid some (frankly very unexpected) import tax. In cash. Exact change only. *le sigh* At least he would come back today.

Pea is really very sick. He is in so much pain it breaks my heart. He's home all this week from daycare and I took care of him yesterday to avoid B losing any more hours at work. I was supposed to again today, but I honestly couldn't bear it. Pea clung to his daddy and cried, cried, cried. He calmed down after about half an hour, but the slightest hint that daddy was leaving started it all over again. So we decided that we weren't doing him any favours by screwing up his routine any further. So he went back home with daddy. Which is also good for me, because I'm still a bit sick. Getting better, but in need of more rest and hot drinks.

I'm trying to start watching Star Trek Voyager. Maybe it's because DS9 was so awesome with characterization, but woah, the whole cast of VOY seems SO very bland. I'm hoping it's an early season problem, but I'm told not to hold my breath. Still, I'm almost through season 1, and I'm at least not bored out of my skull. The Doctor in particular catches my fancy. I dunno. I always have a thing for the artificial lifeforms. Data. Vic Fontaine. And now the Doctor.

Tried to watch The Big Bang Theory, but even the promise of better episodes later could not save me from the fact that I felt monumentally stupid and somewhat offended that Penny was THAT dumb. So the guys were too smart for me to understand the jokes at all and Penny was too stupid for me to connect with at all. So I'm sorry, but that series is not going to grow on me anytime soon.

World of Warcraft is working beautifully, but I'm too tired and poorly to concentrate when I play. *sigh* Sometimes I think the world hates me. I was SO ready for some more dungeon achievements, finally. Blah. Also, just waiting for Hallows End to come around, so I can get my new mount! I just need to become "The Hallowed" and then I will have completed all the seasonal achievements! Which means... Blue. Proto. Drake. It shall be epic. Oh yes.

Stay tuned for more in the future.
 
 
Current Location: By the window.
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Birds singing.
 
 
 
Lady Drace
29 September 2010 @ 02:44 pm
First of all, today, B and I got our divorce finalized. We are now officially divorced. It was easier than I thought it would be. And frankly, surprisingly anit-climactic. B also thought so.

This warrents a longer post at some point, but something else is currently more on my mind.

My mother told me yesterday that my great grandmother was violently agoraphobic. Not diagnosed of course, but it was a fact that she never left the house and if anyone tried to force her, she would go into a complete panic, scream and cling to her chair or something. My mother never really thought about it until my uncle made an off hand remark a few days ago. It was just a fact of life, nothing anyone wondered about or considered strange. At least to my mother who was only a child.

This has to have some sort of meaning for my condition. It's the first thing any therapist has always asked me. "Has there been any history of mental illness in your family?" I just can't decide if this is good news or bad news. Good news, because it might mean some new paths of treatments, or bad news because it's genetic and I'm basically doomed? *sigh* This is breaking my brain.

Any thoughts?
 
 
 
Lady Drace
02 September 2010 @ 01:51 pm
Ok, so... being too busy to really keep up with f-list (and that pesky Sherlock ficathon I signed up for, but probably won't have time to participate in after all... and wipe that smirk off your face, tli !!) I'm just gonna post a quick update on my life.

Started job testing. That's what I'm calling it, anyway, because that's the end result, but the current thing I'm doing is untranslatable... Anywho. 2 days a week, sitting in a room with others. Many weirdos. Very draining dealing with people who have no sense of boundaries or are desperate for company. I'd much rather just sit by myself, but that's just not possible. Very tired. Need sleep. *falls over*

Pea has never been this easy, not counting the bout of teething (Canines. Ouch.) yesterday. He's not fussy at all, not starting these battles of will all the time like he did right before the divorce. Falls asleep easily, wakes up happy. Developes as fast as he possible can. I can only see this as a good sign. He's also growing like crazy and we need to buy shoes. Again. Or rather, I have to buy shoes. I get the children's check from the county (because the mommy gets the money be default, apparently), so I buy the clothes. This is perfect for me, because I cannot help myself, must buy stuff for him every time I find a good bargain.

Still not got all my stuff arranged after the split. It's a work in progress. A loooot of work yet.

Got poked enough by tli  to finish a G/B fic, but I've been too busy to go through the beta notes and get it posted. Will get to it soon, I promise!

Also, I clearly can't count, because it's actually today that tli 's arrival is 4 days away. But still! *FLAIL*

Being single is so weird. Only spending half as much money on food, clothes and stuff is a nice surprise (which, oddly enough, I didn't see coming) even though I feel like I'm in a shopping frenzy. So much to buy. Bummer making dinner, only to discover that you no longer have a can opener. Gah. Feel like I'm spending all my life in shops. It's gonna be great lazing about with a fellow fangirl next week. :oD

Can you tell that I'm excited about tli  coming? No? Well, I am! LIKE WOAH!

Downstairs gay threesome is really only a duo. Third name on the mail box is apparently only a shared adress. Doesn't seem like he really lives there. Which I suppose means that one could sleep in the double bed in the bedroom visible through the window every morning and the other could sleep in the living room. But where would the fun be in that? They're so gay. Oh yes. I saw them shopping together yesterday. Very domestic. *sigh* Fangirl heaven!

Watching a few episodes of Criminal Minds every night, while falling asleep on the keyboard, and Garcia is my favorite. Her and Lynch are my newest ship and totally the top of my het ship list, EVER! Like I told a friend yesterday, their geek love is EPIC! Reid is also a cutie, but I think just about everybody are a little bit in love with him. Currently half way through season 4. :oD

Also counting down to season 3 of Merlin! HOLY HELL! So much to look forward to these days! *FLAILFLAIL*

And just so you know, I have epic friends online. prelocandkanar , baby! We need to talk more! I'm totally not done flailing and I think Pea wants to hand you some more phones. :oP My boy loves you. :oD

Gotta go. My mom will be arriving shortly and I need to pick up Pea and buy those pesky shoes before she arrives. When she gets here, she can have fun with Pea while I clean or something. I was being smart this morning and got a little sleep. Time to sleep is a hard thing to come by with a 1-year old. But wow, I love my baby so much it makes my heart ache! So beautiful and so amazing! *happy sigh*

So all in all, life is good!

LOVE YOU GUYS! *zooms out*
 
 
Current Location: Out the door...
Current Mood: busybusy
 
 
 
Lady Drace
27 August 2010 @ 09:09 pm
Got the paperwork for the divorce done today. Surprisingly sad experience. Oh well. I guess it's part of the ride. Besides, I can't wait until I can stop tagging every single one of my personal entries with the 'divorce' tag.

If there is such a thing as actively procrastinating, then that's what I'm doing. I have a loooooong list of things I should be doing now that I don't have Pea around, but I'm kinda going "fuck it" and deliberately not bothering.

PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!!!

... Tomorrow...

Also, Mr. Dishy downstairs did say he was moving in with 2 friends, but it's a tiny apartment, so I was a little confused about it. But now there are 3 names on the mailbox and I met one of the roomies today. Another cutie. Totally not my type but cute still. Also, they only seem to have one, big bed. Honestly, even without all my gay porn hobbies, that would make me raise an eyebrow. Mwahahah.

I just started season 3 of Criminal Minds. Still not sure it's something I'll be joining fandom over, but it's good entertainment and now... well.. I'm sorta just going with the flow and watching it all. Just because I can. There are a lot of other things I should be doing, but honestly, I can't be arsed.

In other news, I watched Cairo Time and fucking hell if Sid wasn't just one, big, wet dream. Nurf.
 
 
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
 
 
 
Lady Drace
26 August 2010 @ 05:52 pm
Had a meeting with job advisor today. I'm starting Monday. And surprisingly, I'm kinda looking forward to it! I'm going to take Sally the Netbook with me and I'm allowed to just sit there and write fanfic for 2 days a week. Now if that isn't luxury, I don't know what is.

Big, confusing round trip of social advisors and financial people and and and... gah.

Talking with B turned out to be great. I seem to have forgotten that I've actually known the man for almost 10 years, so just because he's done me wrong doesn't mean he's a completely different person. I always believed he would make a good father given the chance and I can see now that I haven't exactly been making it easy for him to prove that he can.

I refuse to end up like those manipulative bitches who just have to know every little thing about their ex's life and sadly, I've come very close to being that woman. And I don't like it. So we agreed that B would let me know what's going on more and I'd butt out more. Pea seems happy and that's all that matters. The rest is basically details. If he ends up somewhat confused, it's only temporary and he will always be loved. Always. I have to remember that.

This doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to get angry, but I just think I should remind myself that as difficult as B has been making things practically, I've been just as bad to him emotionally.

Divorce sucks. I think that's just about the core of this. And no matter what, Floozie and I will always have a somewhat strained relationship. And that's also ok. She's a good person as far as I know and she would never do anything to harm Pea.  So I'll live with the weeks of daddy-time and keep my own routines when it's my turn. I cannot control daddy-weeks and I have to stop trying. I have plenty of other things to do with my energy. Like writing porn. *nod*

Also, I'm now the proud owner of a webcam. :oP
 
 
Current Location: Home alone.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Nothing. Testing webcam!
 
 
 
Lady Drace
26 August 2010 @ 03:18 pm
If you are someone I know IRL and read this blog regularly/occasionally/ever, then this message is for you:

I write here when I feel like, what I feel like and however I feel like. I write when I'm angry, upset, sad, happy, amused, whatever.

If I write about something you did in a negative way, then please accept the fact that I probably made you aware of how upset you were making me at the time and you didn't listen. And yes, I exaggerate, but I never lie. If you feel offended by anything you read here, feel free to contact me about it, but remember this:

This is my personal blog. Reading this is a privilege - not a right. If you don't like what you read, don't go here. If you want to drag my ass to court for slander, feel free to do so.

To downstairs lady: Sorry I got your kid's age wrong. I'm still fucking pissed off. I asked you to stop pressing me about the sleeping issue. You wouldn't let it lie. I talk to my friends about it. Sucks to be you.

To Floozie: If you haven't already guessed this, I envy you so incredibly much for getting time with my son and having a hand in what B does with his daddy-time. Having to sit back and let the woman who was the beginning of the end for my first and only relationship take over so much of my son's life is fucking hard for me. I'm pushy, I know that. I apologise if I make you paranoid. But honestly, if someone you hardly knew seemed to have such a large influence on your only child, wouldn't YOU want to check things out as much as you could?

Future warning: I'm going to keep using my journal this way probably way into the future. I usually don't mention names anyone who doesn't know me directly would understand. And those who know me directly either already know about my life or don't read this blog. So drag me to court if you're unhappy. If not, please leave me alone.

Thank you.
 
 
Current Location: On my way out.
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
 
 
 
Lady Drace
24 August 2010 @ 06:33 pm
I can't take this. I really can't.

The divorce was easy. But this shit about sharing Pea? It's a living, breathing nightmare.  Fuck.

Nipped over to B today to drop off some things and say hi to my baby. Strange woman opens the door. Turns out to be lady from downstairs with her 1½ old girl. I wasn't prepared for that, but ok. Pea playing with neighbours is good. Floozie was there. Wasn't prepared for that either, but that's starting to feel like routine. Pea seemed happy, which was possibly mostly because of all the cake he was served. Then downstairs lady told me that she put Pea down for the night yesterday.

What.

The.

Hell.

And as if that wasn't enough, she proceeded to ask me how we handled his sleeping routine, because she'd had an easy time getting him to sleep. Of course you would, you empty-headed cow. You're a stranger. You leaving the room doesn't break his heart like it does when his parents do.

Oh and let's see... all those months I spent on his sleeping routine clearly means I don't know anything about my own baby. All those chats I've had with the social workers and child specialists surely means that I need to be lectured by the mother of a child only marginally older than my own, with the only certificate of knowledge to be: "When my baby was that age". Yeah. Like 3 months ago.

I don't even know where to start. With killing B for handing Pea over to a complete stranger (what was he doing in the meantime? Making out with Floozie on the couch??), killing the woman for thinking she knows ANYTHING AT ALL about me, B or Pea, or kicking floozie's ass just for being there all the time and getting to spend time with Pes that should be reserved for B.

I don't even.. I'm so angry... so worried. So upset. So horrified and sad and crying, crying, crying. I've asked B to set some time aside for us to have a serious chat. This cannot go on. This is going to kill me. There isn't enough duct tape in the world to put my shattered heart back together again.
 
 
Current Location: Right here. Crying. Again.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: *sob*
 
 
 
Lady Drace
23 August 2010 @ 02:15 pm
Yesterday... my god. I hardly know where to start.

So. The day dawned where Pea would start his days with daddy. We set a time according to his naps and meals, so he would be as alert and happy as possible for the switch. Pea and I were ready. Things were packed (mostly), Pea was happily puttering around, pointing at all the playthings put in bags and such. And we waited. And waited. No B. Finally I texted him and asked where he was and I simply got a message that said he'd leave right away. As in: He hadn't even started moving yet before I reminded him.

First kick in the gut.

Anyway, he showed up, everything seemed good. Except for the fact that Pea kept falling and hurting himself. Apparently his focus was less than perfect. He happily took a walk with us, though and all seemed well, until we were at B's door. He stopped with a sort of brain fart expression on his face and went: "Oh. I kinda forgot. Floozie is in there." *insert various incredulous faces and noises here*

Second kick in the gut.

I decided to suck it up for Pea's sake and we went into the apartment. All seemed well, but the original plan had been for B to do the heavy lifting, but I was so upset that I decided to go back for the last bits myself, while B gave Pea a clean diaper on his brand new changer. I went back home, sniffling and shaking, gathered the last bits and went back. When I got there, Pea was still unchanged, because it turned out he was terrified of the changer. To calm him down, I took care of his diaper on the couch. When I asked for something to wipe his rear with, I was handed... cleaning wipes. You know, for windows and such. I was horrified. I snarled and the fact tha Floozie seemed to be the one who knew where everything was certainly didn't help any.

Third kick in the gut.

We found some baby wipes (which I knew where was because I packed them for the asshole myself... pun intended). When the changing was over, B seemed to have a little trouble figuring out how his weird, new diaper bin worked, so I asked when he'd got all this baby stuff. "Yesterday," Floozie remarked calmly. I was so angry. I asked B several days ago if he was just about ready for Pea and he had lied to my face (again!!) and said that he just needed the bed made up.

Fourth kick in the gut.

That piece of information made me shake and cry right there in front of Floozie and Pea, and I was angry and worried. So I asked B seriously if he was absolutely 100% sure that he was ready to take care of Pea. Because if there was ANY doubt, I would take him back with me. My heart wouldn't be able to bear it if B wasn't completely sure. B has always had this habit of pausing awfully long between his words or before answering. I always found it marginally irritating, but yesterday every second cut my heart like a fucking knife.

Fifth kick in the gut.

He did seem to be sure and certainly willing, so I had to splint my fractured heart and let him take over. I wasn't even inside my apartment before I was sobbing my heart out. I called my mother for a long, sobbing conversation and then went on to rant to a friend online. It took me a little over an hour to stop crying.

There are so many issues with this I hardly know what to do. If he makes a habit of being late for picking up Pea, we are going to have words.

If he doesn't even read shit before putting cleaning chemicals on his son's skin, then we REALLY need to have words!!

I'm so fucking worried. It like a constant ache deep in my gut. I try to calm myself. Pea is going to be at daycare most of the week and B is willing to make it work. And if the will is there, the rest will come. Still, I have everything ready to pick up my baby at a moment's notice and it makes me feel somewhat better.

I could rant on for a while about this, but I'd better stop before I start crying again.
 
 
Current Location: Home alone.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Grace - Will Young.
 
 
 
Lady Drace
17 August 2010 @ 05:07 pm
Ok... things are getting more and more weird around here.

One of my neighbours just asked me if I'd noticed that B's name had been peeled off the mailbox (I should know, I peeled it off myself). I find it strange that he would notice a detail like that, but not realize that we've been hauling boxes and furniture out all weekend. Oh well. Kind of him to make me aware of it. He's a nice guy. A little dotty, but nice.

Speaking of nice neighbours, the couple with the not-quite-as-abusive-as-I-thought daddy have also divorced. Not easy to tell, though, since he had practically nothing to take with him. Apparently he was a cheap bastard who only ever cashed out for the TV and his clothes. Now that's what I call an easy break.

And finally, it seems one of our baby monitors have vanished. Really quite annoying, since those things are expensive as hell... I really hope it fell into one of B's boxes or bags. I'd hate to go buy new ones.

Other than that, things are surprisingly easy. The only real reaction I've had so far is that I'm quite a bit more hungry and tired. I guess the emotional drain manifests itself as physical needs. Oh well. Nothing a few naps and late night snacks won't fix.

Writing has ground to a complete halt, though. I'm sure it'll come back as soon as I start feeling more comfortable in this new world, but bummer. :o(

Just to end this post on a random note, I'd like to express my disgust for whoever the parent was who let a 10-year old girl I saw the other day  wear pumps. Growing feet DO NOT LIKE HEELS! *shake fist*


**Quick update** Dead apartment downstairs not dead anymore. Guy moved in today. Young. Dishy. Umf. Methinks there will be ogling. M'yes.
 
 
Current Location: Around here somewhere
Current Mood: weirdweird
Current Music: Nothing. Got no baby monitor. *listening intently*